 Write Your Own Prayer of Seeing
If you are in the process of getting a divorce, your marriage was most likely an illusion, probably for both parties, certainly for you. If you think the object is to get rid of the “bad” spouse and find a better one, the universe may well send you another, but he or she will be just like the first. The new spouse may not look the same; he may have a different job, she may have a different attitude, but in the end, he or she be the same. Why? Because the illusion still will have power over you. You will have gotten rid of the spouse, but stayed married to the fantasy.
The object is to break the power of the illusion. This, Pilgrim, is hard work. It is particularly difficult to do alone. God, however, can carry your illusion away. But first, you have to acknowledge that it is there. Acknowledge that you love your happy family fantasy, believe in it, hope for it, and work hard to keep it alive. Acknowledge that when reality refuses to align with your illusion, you look the other way, and see what you want to see, not what is. Why else do you “keep on keepin’ on” when the problems are obvious, the pain is real, and the behavior unacceptable?
The strongest thing you can do right now is open your eyes WIDE and look at what your marriage actually was. The goal in seeing is not to fix blame; it is to acknowledge what you refused to see. This prayer is about you, not your spouse. To help with this task, I drew a half-open eye and stuck it on the wall as a constant reminder to open my eyes and see what is. That picture still keeps me from slipping back into illusion. When I look at it, I say a simple prayer: Dear God, help me see. If this symbol is helpful, find or draw a picture of an eye. If the eye isn’t right, find or make an image that reminds you to stay out of illusion. Put your image where you can see it often.
Now, with your eyes wide open, write a Prayer of Seeing. A helpful first line might be: This is what I see, dear God. Tell God the truth of your marriage. Name what was really happening. Tell God what you were unwilling to see. Describe how you buried your head and your heart in activity, in blindness, in anything and everything to prevent yourself from seeing.
When you are finished describing the truth of your marriage, talk to God about your happy family fantasy. Describe it in detail:
The people in my happy family fantasy do things like _____________
The people in my happy family fantasy think like ________________
They believe _____________________________________________
They look like ____________________________________________
They have _______________________________________________
They seem happy because __________________________________
Tell God why this illusion has been so important. Let God know that it has had incredible power over you. Tell God:
What that power is_________________________________________
What it looks like __________________________________________
What it feels like __________________________________________
Why you want to loose its grip _______________________________
When you have finished describing what you were unwilling to see and the power of your happy family fantasy, ask yourself some deep questions:
Am I willing to let this illusion go?
Am I willing to live in the present not the fantasy?
Am I willing to see? Even the things I have been unwilling to see?
Am I ready to see?
If you’re not sure or feel frightened or don’t know if you are ready to relinquish your old life of illusion, you will find writing your answers in your sacred journal very helpful. Whenever I am in a quandary, I talk it over with God by writing, writing, writing. I put the question at the top of the page and I write anything and everything. It’s that “everything” part that gets scary. With no internal editor, what comes out is often not pretty. It is full of raw emotion, fear, and anger. Sometimes my words frighten me. But I keep writing because only God and I know what I write, and everything is safe with God. I may write a dozen pages circling around the question, but eventually I end in a place of peace. I always feel listened to. I always feel answered. If writing isn’t the best method for you, try praying, meditating, sacred reading, sitting still, yoga, swimming laps, or taking long walks. The point is to dwell on the issue and stay with it until you feel guided or at least safe.
When the answer becomes, “Yes, I am ready to let this illusion go,” tell God you are ready. Ask God to take the illusion away. Make a declarative statement, “Dear God, I don’t need this anymore.” God will do God’s part. Your job and mine is to keep our eyes open, stay out of illusion, and see what is. When you feel blinded or you’re not sure if you are deluding yourself, say your prayer of seeing or simply, “Dear God, help me. Help me see.”
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