Perhaps, like me, you are a little surprised to discover that there is still more to do: more thinking, more feeling, more praying, more forgiving. And, truth be told, aren’t you a little miffed? After all, you’ve done a ton of work. You’ve slogged your way through tough countries, made hard discoveries, looked in the mirror, realized you need to change and done something about it. Don’t you feel like saying: “Come on, God, haven’t I done enough? Isn’t it time for me to just walk into the Country of Peace without climbing, without sweating, without tears, pain, or strife? Come on, God.”

Well, I’m with you. I thought after four years—four years!—I’d forgiven and was ready to move on. But I had confused forgiven with forgotten. To set aside memory is really pretty easy: just quick focusing on it and the sore stops festering. For months, I had consciously avoided speaking negatively about my ex-husband, so I thought I’d forgiven him. But if that were the case, the universe would not have asked me to teach forgiveness—twice. That old adage: “We teach what we need to learn,” was way too real for me. If I was asked to teach forgiveness, that meant I needed to learn forgiveness. Rats.

What is forgiveness?
Do you know what forgiveness is? Finally, really, truly, and completely? Well, what is it? Don’t tell me. Don’t tell your friends or your divorce-recovery group, or even your therapist. Tell God. Tell God everything you know about forgiveness. In the course of the conversation, you will undoubtedly learn something more.

Why forgive?
When you are finished defining forgiveness with God, tell God why you want to and need to forgive your ex-spouse. This may seem obvious, but once you start exploring it in dialogue with Spirit, you will make some interesting discoveries. The reasons are not necessarily what you think. Before you enter the Country of Peace, there is something more for you to learn about the true nature of forgiveness.

How to Forgive
When you’ve exhausted why, tell God how you are going to do it. Not so easy that one. How? How are you going to finally, really, truly, and completely forgive your ex? How? I recommend you work out the how part with God. It isn’t that the information isn’t available on earth. It is. There are dozens of books and tapes on forgiveness. Plus, your spiritual director, minister, Rabbi, best friend, therapist—in fact, everyone you know—would probably be delighted to tell you their process. But if you are really, truly, finally, and completely going to forgive your spouse, you need to find the method. Maybe it will be a simple prayer you incorporate into your daily spiritual practice. Or maybe you’ll feel led to follow the advice in Matthew 18:21-22:

Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me?
As often as seven times? Jesus answered, “Not seven I tell you,
but seventy times seven.”

Want to try that on for size? Write: “Dear God, I freely and fully forgive my spouse,” four hundred ninety times. I can safely guarantee that you will be a different person—a forgiving person—at the end of that exercise!

You don’t have to decide how you will finally, really, truly, and completely forgive. You have only to show up finally, really, truly, and completely ready to do it. God will do the heavy lifting. God will teach you how. Then you can finally, really do it. You can finally forgive. And when you do, the angels will say what they’ve been waiting to say: “Welcome, Pilgrim, welcome to the Country of Peace.”