The divorce is finally over. I’ve forgiven myself for marrying my ex and forgiven him for all the things he did. I even include him in my daily prayers. Every morning I say, “My ex-husband is in his perfect place and there is peace, harmony, and prosperity for all.” I started praying for him a year ago, but only in the past month been able to wish him prosperity without choking. Now, I say it easily; so I thought I was making real progress. I thought if I forgave him (and meant it), I could get on with my life. I thought things would start flowing. But here I am, unable to pay this month’s bills, and terrified my business won’t come back. Why am I stuck in this icky-shmicky, scary place of worry, worry, worry?

I was awakened last night by scary feelings. Not little scary feelings but OH MY GOD scary feelings that came out of nowhere, gripped my bowels, and wouldn’t let go. This seizure was followed by a parade of things to worry about. Just in case I didn’t get it, when I fell back asleep I had a nightmare about determining the value of things in the house to sell. I woke up exhausted.

Although I am committed to starting each day with prayer, this morning I couldn’t hold any focus. I chased my thoughts and found them off in corners worrying about something else I can’t afford right now. Frustrated, I got out of bed with not much more of a prayer than: “I’m up, God. Help me.”

After dropping my son off at school, I listened to Ron Roth on the way back. In his series on the Holy Spirit (Celebrating Life, 1997), I heard Ron say, “Healing prayer is entering into the presence of God bringing another soul with you.” In my mind I saw myself walking into the Light holding my son’s hand saying, “Here we are, God.” I’ve listened to Ron Roth dozens of times, but today this beautiful image registered.

When I got home, I sat down for my morning reading. I started with the Daily Word, “If you are unsure about what to do, let today’s affirmation remind you that the wisdom of God is within you. As you bring it forth in prayer, you shine the light of understanding on every area of your life.” The gospel quotation was: “The light is with you.” John 12:35. I went to my bible to read the whole chapter.

After I read a New Testament quote, I often look it up in The Five Gospels, What Did Jesus Really Say? (Harper SanFrancisco, 1997) I enjoy reading biblical scholars’ opinions as to whether the historical Jesus said the words quoted in the bible or not. According to these experts, most of John gets a “no” vote because it was written so long after Jesus’ death, so I started skimming forward. I found myself floating through a gospel I’m not familiar with: The Gospel of Thomas. I read several quotations I had not heard before. Suddenly, one grabbed me, “Do not fret from morning to evening and from evening to morning about your food…or your clothing.…” Thomas 36. That is exactly what I was doing: fretting from evening to morning.

My final reading that morning was from Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy (Warner Books, 1995) Sarah Ban Breathnach had three profound observations for September 24:
1. When you start following your authentic path, you’re finally using the gifts Spirit expects you to use.
2. The rate of exchange in heaven is wonder.
3. Essentially what happens when you begin to do what you love is that you get a new employer: Spirit.

These rich thoughts amplified the ideas I’d received from Ron Roth, the Daily Word, the Gospel of John, and the Gospel of Thomas. Suddenly I recognized the link I kept missing: I was stuck in worry because I was struggling to be the boss, to make the decisions, to do the right things. I hadn’t given it all to God and said: “Here, God, You be the boss. You tell me what to do. I’ll quit worrying and just do it.”

I decided the pay out—wonder—was just too good to miss. I didn’t want wonder passing me by because I was so stubborn, so sure I had to fix everything. I was ready for a new and distinctly better boss. I was ready to declare my freedom from the fear that kept holding me back. I was ready to walk away from my House of Worry and step into the peace and presence of God. I made my declaration of freedom by writing “Walking.”

“Walking” has become a fixture in my life. When I feel frightened, I read it. When doubt creeps up on me or worry overtakes me, I read it. When I don’t understand why things are happening the way they are, I read it. “Walking” always inspires me to recommit to a life of freedom and peace.

I often say a super short version of it for my son. In my mind I hold his hand and step into God’s presence saying, “Here we are.” When I pray for someone else, I visualize walking hand-in-hand into the presence of God, “Here we are, God. Here we are.”

As long as I keep walking into the Light, I know that I am free.